So whats it made of?....

For what tommorow may bring

Across the seas, and across the mountains, there lies waiting......The world seems to be a global place, a place where minds interconnect so easily, with ease...they link, someway and somehow. But there is a feeling that is created deep within and forces that are not so easily got a hold of. For tommorow brings yet another day, for peace and hope and prosperity. For becomming all that you want to be, and keeping all that you are. The formation of an identity, the crisis of identity, finding the beauty in things that are not, is all a matter of seeing, perception and opening your mind and most of all your heart.....And in that I am a true true believer.

Colour

Second Generation

Isn't it crazy how you can watch a film and find that you totally relate to it. Theres a slight connection that takes you back, or brings up forgotten emotions or some sort of strange memory. It ignites....like when you strike a match. Its slightly strange, but sort of really leaves you with this lingering effect. Theres this British Drama series called 'Second Generation'. Its a series about asians here in britain, and how they get caught up in infidelity, following western ideology. Where do those Indian values go, where the young take care of the old, where we respect our elders. I think in the western world the whole concept of 'I' is more and more evident...its like take care of yourself. Always take care of yourself, and the sense of compassion slowly disappears. Its like where is it going....the compassion you feel for another, for someone else, something that holds you close to them, when you take care of each other....Those values are integrated deep inside of us. Every human cares, knows how to care, wants to be loved, wants to be appreciated, but do we fight for those things...Do we fight for what we truly believe. Would we fight for something we believe is a true love as the characters in this series do. Do we fight for our parents, take care of them, cook for them, do we? What about fusion...the fusion of cultures, the fusion of two worlds, adding all the colours, all the perplexities. We can't remove those colours...and lead a colourless life. It has to burst with it...wonder what were gonna find at the other end. The pot sure is shining.....

People, and the things they do....

I just had the longest conversation with a friend of mine. About people. Sometimes, its like you can look at people and think to yourself, that they disappoint you in so many ways. At other times, you can look at people get disappointed and feel lucky that you yourself are not like that, and also that you are unique, and that you are lucky to have those 'other' types of people in your life.
However sometimes, I think that can make you also feel slightly alone, and it's like thats why its so important to be happy in yourself. So that you can fill in those gaps, when you cant be there with those people and share things with those people. I read the article mentioned in Indis blog on whether meditation was healthy or not, and I wasn't surprised with the results. It's pretty obvious that, because the more time you spend with yourself, at rest...the more you have to contemplate, focus and draw your attention onto things. And nowadays with all our society pressures, and the pressures all around us we feel as though we have to live up to a certain image, a certain size, a certain look. Who gives a fuck. It's like healing from the outiside as opposed to the inside. You can't work your way that way because whatever develops inside will only project outwards, as well as onto all those around you...
There are people who are so upset around me, and I just wonder how I can possibly help them. And then I stop, when I think I've done all that I can. But sometimes I feel so helpless, because just nothing seems to work, and some people are just so far gone in the way they are and the way they think, you just wonder. What can change that, and what can bring about change. These things require so much time, dedication and effort. It used to be one point where I was so concerned about others, and one person in particular that I totally forgot about myself. I forgot who I was, and now having regained that, I can see especially in a city like London how easily that can slip away and how easy it is to get caught up in things because that is all you see and all you know. And I fucking hate that. I hate it.
I hate the fact that someone I care about more than anything, thinks that he is superior to me for that reason. I can't help the fact that someone needs to feel that and feeds off good people for that. It's not my problem yet I get caught up in it. I wish they would go away. I have this faith in tommorow you know. So many people are like, forget the past, and live in the present. People who have been hurt. But we cannot forget about our future altogether. Atrus I hope you understand what I mean now. It's like we have to combine them, we have to work at our present, go through everything so that we can get to where we want to be in the future. So we can be good role models for our children, so that we can be good role models for our friends and so that we can be happy within ourselves and carry those lessons forwards to those who need it most.
I just hope people don't forget themselves.....I have on a number of times, in concern of others, but now that is different and is turning towards becomming even better. Sure though get lost, but just make sure you find yourself again when you do...I've got my fingers crossed, do you?

TO be or NOT to be.....

I went out today, met this girl for dinner with my sister who I hadn't seen in a really long time. She went back to India for a couple of months and all of a sudden she got engaged within a couple of months and is getting married in November. She was trying to convince me that I had to come, but I couldn't really promise her anything. Is it just me, or have I suddenly been caught up in a time frame whereby every single person around me is suddenly getting married? And the thing I noticed the most today, from the conversation is the notion of getting married just for the sake of getting married. Do people just want the most general things in life, security, a home and financial satisfaction and is the notion of an ideal love just slipping away from us. Its like, a notion which seemed so ideal once upon a time, but nowadays I think wealth and feeling safe override it. The whole 'having someone', it doesn't really matter who, but someone is just so apparent almost everywhere I look.

What about the whole, taking time and effort to build something worthy, and satisfying in the long run. Someone you want to run under a waterfall with, someone you want to climb up a mountain with and share the view at the top, that someone you want to write a letter to on a rainy gloomy day, because just knowing, just knowing that someone will read it, makes that day that little less gloomy, and that little bit better. I think my standards in life are way too high, I think I need to glance around me, and try to fit in with what I see better. For real. Your young, you have your whole life to love, and even when you find it, who knows if its real..until you let it free and maybe just maybe it comes back to you...or can you really picture growing old with someone. Sitting out there in your back garden, on your deck chairs watching the green grass with that little cup of tea, a nice book and talking about how quickly your grandchildren are growing up. The person you want to be a role model for your children, the person who will have the biggest influence on your child and the person you bring up in the world. Whatever happened to that person......whatever happened to looking for that person....Perhaps I should just pack my bags and leave this idealistic world I seem to be hovering in, and come back down to reality. It seems far easier down there...is it not? I wonder when I'll ever find out...I just wonder....

Thank You Indi ji.

Thank you Indrajit, what you said made a lot of sense. The Illusionary state our brain 'creates' and sort of makes us feel as though we are distant. My study of the brain, as opposed to you is minimal. It is only from my own experiences, from what I have read and from what I know that I can comment to you. However, I did read this book which I think is of relevance to this topic and that is 'Into the Silent Land' by Paul Brooks. I think you would love it, its neuroscience mixed with physchology. Its asking the question that is the fundament of our discussion here and that is ' How does our brain, this mass in our head, create things like feeling and emotion'. Where does it derive from and how does it function. Why do we get dyslexic, pyschotic and personality disordered people. Why are some people 'normal'; and others not.

Some questions like these I believe are not worth delving so much into. The state of awareness that our brain creates, which may make me feel as though I'm not connected, must also have something to do not with my brain, but from my emotions, the feelings I get around me, the way they make me feel . Do you believe that emotions are created? Hope, love, orgasm, excitement. Yes our blood starts rushing faster, our heart beats quicken, our nerves tingle and this creates these different feelings. But you cannot separate that from our conditioning, our experiences which cause us to be a little less hurt, a little more loving and a little more hopeful.

I learnt something today though. That I have to stop looking so hard. I look so hard and sometimes you should have, as my friend was telling me relating to the teachings of Tao, patience for the journey. I'm a real peoples person, and I know that people are together. But I don't believe that I purposely separate myself from them by coming up with this idea in my brain that I am 'alone'. Yet at the same time, there is so much truth in what you say. I once read that people only see what they want to see. If you take a look at your parents they are the best example; when they hear something bad, they pretend not to notice, because its easier to believe the opposite. Alot of what we go through that extra worry etc are created in our mind and if we use our mind, one of the greatest tools given to us on this earth, we can change that, and thus change ourselves.
Thank you for the food for thought, I apologise I was in the mood for writing today......

Nothingness and More

As of recent, I've been contemplating, wondering and trying to figure out, exactly where it is that I belong. I do not know whether it's the feeling of being unsettled in a place that after 5 years should seem remotely familiar to me, or whether it's something else altogether. It's this sort of empty feeling that seems to slowly start spreading from the pits of your stomach and working upwards into the realms of your mind. I wonder what it is, so that as Krishnamurti says, try to identify it, work with it, figure it out so that it can move into some sort of solutionfull, rather than solutionless mode.
Whats missing here is substance. It's the feeling that you are 100%, and that there is nothing left to complete. Perhaps this could be compared to Siddhartha, or the Bhuddists when they reach that state, but is it a state of completion or nothingness. When 'nothing' bothers you anymore and it seems like nothing will. Is it a longing for affection, a longing for desire, a longing for someones kiss, someones hold. Perhaps it is simply something tangible, and as my friend said, something long-term.

But the thing is, that I read by the Dalai Lama, everything in this world is temporary it seems. Perhaps not the running water of the streams, perhaps not the air that you breath. Just people. I have all these wonderful people who I know, yet they are dispersed. I could make the kind of map indi was talking about, with the pins of the world and pin all the places where I know people. People who don't know each other, have never met each other in their lives yet are linked so subtely, through me. Will there ever be a day in which everyone can come together, in which everyone can feel like they truly belong, that they truly mean something and that they can converse and share the ideas that they are so willingly ready to express.

What about the ones who have that insight, but choose to hold it to themselves. Are those the people I'm surrounded by here who make me feel that emptiness, because the conversations aren't satisfying to my soul, or just the simple fact that I know the world can offer me better. That I can be better. That I want to be better. That I want that affection, that desire, that kiss, that hold and more than ever that compassion.
Maybe I'm just waiting for a glimpse. A section of hope that will say to me, yes, it's right there, you can have it, maybe not now, maybe not tommorow, but one day yes.
The worry is, not the wait, but whether or not the hole thats drilling inside will have drilled through to the other side, not having stopped, by which point, it will be too late to stop it.....Just a thought.

My Dear Friend is Leaving....

I met a really good friend of mine today. I found out that hes going to leave soon. It was all very unexpected, I knew that he was going to leave eventually, but I didn't know that it was going to be this soon. I hadn't seen him in quite some time, but it was that very fact that made it nicer I think. We hung out, we spoke, and he told me some really sad news, which sort of threw me off course for a minute because I naturally assumed that everything was fine, from the moment I saw him

However, we spoke about it. And then I decided that we should go throw some hoops. The basketball court near where he lives is like, all patchy, they have actually removed the court. But it didn't matter. We bonded. We threw the ball around, and it was really fun. I hadn't played basketball since I was I don't know fourteen years old or something, but hey managed okay.

I left, and he said goodbye and that we may not see each other before he left. But that I'll always know where to find him, even if its an entirely different continent altogether.

This person has been such an inspiration to me, someone whos just always been there for at times when I thought that all was going to be over, and all was just slipping through my fingers. I don't know why this person saw so much in me, that he gave up so much of his time, and so much of his energy, to teach me, all that he has learnt in his own journey so far. There were so many times that I would feel as though I wasn't reciprocating back as a good friend, but today I think I saw how it makes up for it. Eventhough I didn't hear the sad story before, it was almost as though I was meant to stop there on my way back, and meant to be there and meant to give that hug and tell him that I would be there, like any good friend should.
I've gotten used to the idea that majority of the people I care about are dispersed around the world, that they often don't live around me, and that I only see them in short bursts of time. I thought saying goodbye would be easy. I got home, and the more I thought about it, and realised that this person was leaving, my heart sank, my inside began to dwell and I just realised how much he has meant to me, and always will.
Someone who has that kind of faith in you, is so rare and so hard to find. He has been my mentor, my teacher and most of all, a friend who has shown me to have courage in myself at the times when I need it most.

I will miss him deeply, and I can only wish him the best in his successful endeavours in life, and hope that he knows that he will always have a place in my heart, and a smile saved for him, and only him. Thankyou.....

If ever a boy stood on the moon

There are sometimes people who come and go in your life. Sometimes, you meet someone in one night, and its like their impact can last you for what seems a lifetime. Its like comparing it to the idea that there are a million stars in the sky, and you happen to land upon one, just one, and its glare is so bright, it encaptures you...for that moment for the moments you stay there exploring its surface...

Its so strange how that works, how you can meet someone and forget them all of a sudden, and it doesn't even feel like they were in your life at all. But some people, its like they reach this place inside of you, a place which isn't tangible. Its not within your reach, and most of the time, it's not within your control. Should you wish to change that, the only thing available at your grasp is time. Its like a boulverser inside your stomach, its like everything is spinning around you and you wonder who is going to be there to catch your fall. That incredibility, is something you learn to live with.

"Where Is The Love"

If ever a boy stood on the moon
All the heavens would call them angels 'round
Stop the tears from troubled sky's....from
Falling...falling...falling
If ever the river could whisper your name,
Would the choices you made still be the same?
Like a flower that dies from angry rain,
Why do we hurt ourselves?
Where is the love that lets the sunlight in to start again?
The love that sees no color lines?
Life begins with love,
So spread your wings & fly,
Guide your spirit safe & sheltered,
A thousand dreams that we can still believe.
If ever a boy stood on the moon,
Carrying all of his treasures from the stars
To a rainbow which leads to where we are.
Together we'd chase the sun.
We can still believe...........

Sometimes

Sometimes it really seems like things are just so different. You could easily form some sort of manual routine, whereby every single day is the same, every moment just happens differently, but are not different moments in their entirety. How does one go about changing those very moments, and making them that different, when change is such a difficult process altogether. Especially when we become so used to one way of living. Where everything is so familiar, where it provides us with this wonderful sense of security. That change, it brings upon a new. Something unfamiliar, yet habituated. Is it not that every experience we have in life, is new at first, every time we move country which then becomes our hometown, every time we meet someone new who then becomes a best friend.....those unexpected moments are what make today tommorow....and heres to that....